DANGER! Scary Male Presence!
*Updated at the bottom*
For over the past two years I’ve been active in a Mom’s group, they are nice enough to call themselves a “Parents” group but its all moms but me. They are a great group of women and everyone gets along great. The only problem is that they live about 30-40 minutes from me and sometimes I don’t fell like driving that far so my son can play with his friends.
Around 2 weeks ago I was bored and started browsing meetup.com and came across a mom’s group in my area that said this in the “About Us” section.
“We are a group of moms and Dads that live in and around the area. This group is for developing friendships for both ourselves and our children. Many of us are stay-at-home moms and others work. We come together with the common goal of having fun and interacting with other adults and children. There’s room for everyone here!”
I shot off an email to the organizer asking if I could join. She said great, put me in the group and hoped to see us soon.
I got busy and never made it to an activitiy so I went to the forum and wrote a little piece introducing myself and my 3 1/2 year old son, saying what we liked to do, how I’m active with another mom’s group but would like for my son to make new friends closer to home, blah blah blah.
Later that night I got this email from the Organizer.
You’ve been removed from Mom N Me Saint Charles Group
Kevin,
I am really sorry about having to remove you from the group. I
personally did not have an issue with having a dad in the group
but I received several emails expressing concern about having a
dad in the group. Many members did not feel comfortable with
your presence. Again, I am really sorry. I was looking forward
to meeting you and Gavin. Feel free to email me if you have any
questions or concerns. So sorry. It pains me to do this.
What
The
Hell?
They’ve never even seen, met, or talked to me so how could my “Presence” be bothering them?
I could see if I showed up and started being a pain in the ass or something but at least let me show up for one freakin’ event.
I sent back this as a reply.
I know you can allow/disallow anyone you want in your group but I’ll let you know that in the 3 years or so that I’ve been the primary caregiver for my child this is the ONLY time I’ve ever received this reaction. You seem to have a lot of close minded, insecure people in your group.
You should also change the first sentence in your “About Us” section, “We are a group of Moms and Dads that live in and around the St. Charles area.”
It shocked me at first since I’ve never come across any women act like this towards me for being a parent but I’m over it now and I’m glad this happened before I showed up and actually wasted a day with these people.
Oh yeah, I checked and they’ve removed “…and Dads” from their website.
*Update*
The Organizer wrote back a very nice reply.
Kevin,
Again I appologize. I feel horrible about removing you last night and I think I did so prematurely. I loved the idea of having you in the group. You need other people to talk to and Gavin needs other children to play with. The people who complained have now left the group and there was an overwhelming response to having a dad in the group. I think it just struck people as odd at first because many did not know that there was another dad in the group. This group was started quite some time ago but no one was active. The organizer did not post any activities on the calendar so many parents went elsewhere. When the organizer stepped down- she was going to close the group. I decided to step up as organizer because I didn’t want to see it disbanded. I am new to the whole meetup and parenting thing. I have an 8 month old daughter and want to make new friends for myself and her. Many of our members are new and don’t know how the group was before I took over.
That said- there was talk on the board and many members were happy that you were a part of the group and were upset that I removed you. Like I said, I am so sorry. I just wanted to share some of the comments that were posted:
**Personally, I think having a dad here is kinda cool. I don’t have a problem with it. I figure men would go just as crazy as we would being stuck at home with the kids, so I hope we can find a way to help him too. I figure this group is about support and helping kids and parents alike…so I hope we can.
**I think all parents and kids should be welcome. This benefits his little one who deserves to have friends also. I do understand though people’s hesitation. To me it would be the title that is misleading. It says Mom -n- Me. I think that’s where some of the discomfort might be coming from. Atleast it is for me. I am kind of anal like that though and I am certainly NOT suggesting anything. Past that issue, I am fine with it.
The people who sent me the emails are no longer in the group anymore. They chose to leave. This group is really in it’s infancy as you could see. There wasn’t a lot of participation in activities nor the message board. I think your message just caught a few of them off guard. Some were concerned that you didn’t have a picture or concerned that they wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about “women” issues with a man in the group. I shouldn’t have acted on the few messages before seeing what everyone else had to say.
I just want you to know that you are welcome to come back but totally understand if you don’t.
I’ve decided to give them another chance. It seems like this worked out the best for everyone. The group got rid of some bitchy complainers, other women had their eyes opened that there are men out there that do this too and Gavin should have some local kids to play with.
Now let’s see if it works out for me…
July 12th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
You scare me with all your impressive parenting skills. I never know when you’re going to do something threatening like read a book with Gavin or take him to the zoo. It makes me uncomfortable in your presence.
July 12th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
LOL—KD….you crack me up!!
I seriously can’t believe it…and that woman should send a reply to your reply…if she does let us know.
July 12th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Ohhh boy. I’d have not been half as nice as you if I’d gotten such a message from a person who’d never met me.
July 12th, 2007 at 11:26 pm
If you’d not posted in the forums but just shown up — what would have happened? I can see them moms fleeing out the windows and hiding in cupboards just to avoid being in the room with a man.
July 12th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
You have GOT to get your story to the local media… They should be all over this… Dad faces discrimination!
Call the TV and paper. I’ll bet you get a lot of interest.
July 12th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
[…] I’m appalled that any man has to put up with this sort of wacky uninformed bias. Sexism at its worst. […]
July 13th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Shocking, but I’m happy you are giving them another chance. The new organizer may have stumbled with how she dealt with the complaint, but nice to see her step up and correct the mistake.
July 17th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I could go on and on about this one. I am a SAHD who took his daughter to the playgroups, sang the songs, did the hokey-pokey, saved other kids from tumbling backwards off kiddie-slides, and only shook off the hairy eyeball after 2+ months. In the end, I was asked to join another ad-hoc group, but every time we show up for new storytime or a new playgroup, I feel like the only boy on the girl’s playground. My daughter is great. She jumps right in. But the mothers tend to keep their distance, and I have to somehow go above beyond to prove I’m both a loving dad and not on the make with mommy. There is also the issue of what a career mom means to these women. I would say most moms are cool, but what really torched me the other day were the two SAHDs who ignored me. Where’s the solidarity? In the end, I don’t care what these people think, and I will walk through fire for my daughter (or dance like a fool in front of strangers). I think you madse the right choice giving it another chance.